Lost In My Own Driveway

I'm horrible with directions.

I can get lost in my own driveway.

It doesn't matter if I've been somewhere every day for 50 of the last 10 years; I can get lost on the way.

When someone's coming to our house for the first time and they ask for directions, I just hand the phone to my wife. She's a navigational ninja. She uses them big words, like "East".

If I'm giving you directions, you'll likely hear "Ok, um, I think you take Main Street for a bit, but then you turn off at the Walgreens...no, maybe it's before the Walgreens, um...are there TWO Walgreens? Never mind, do you know where the Taco Bell is? 'Cause it's just opposite that on the other side of the street facing left. Well, it's left if you're at the entrance, you know? What? Ok, here she is."

If you're giving me directions, you need to know a few things:

• It's right and left; not East and Whatzit.
• If Google Maps is incorrect, don't wait up for me.
• I glaze over and start thinking about squirrels if there's more than three turns.
• Squirrels don't give good directions. They're nuts.
• I like snacks on long road trips. Like nuts.
• Cornuts are the best, but Jana thinks they give me orangutan breath.
• She's right.

Anyway, the point of all this is - When you're on your way over, stop at BOTH Walgreen's and pick me up some Cornuts, please.

Are you good with directions?

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