Photopalooza Party Pack, Part 4 Point 2

This is my old Pathfinder with a custom steel bumper my dad built.
Behind it are a Jeep and Kia Rio that decided to test the bumper. Poor Kia Rio.

I think I'm done playing Draw Something.
Not only am I awful at it (refer to picture), but it doesn't even give you the
right letters to guess what the drawing is (assuming you can figure it out).
Although watching someone guess a terrible
drawing with only gibberish letters can be amusing.

Kitchen Disasters Photo #1 - This is what happens when I
make coffee at work. Good news: I caught the coffee can
before it hit the floor. Bad news: I racked myself whilst doing so.

Kitchen Disasters Photo #2 - Someone burnt a plastic container
on the stove this morning. The smoke was so thick all the way out
the kitchen and down the hall that I truly thought we had a real fire.

They say a picture's worth a thousand words. Describe your favorite!
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Bacon Mime Clowns

• So, it turns out we have a supply cabinet here at work and I didn't need to go stealing junk off everyone's desks.
• It's been crazy busy around work lately. I'm thinking of going on strike. I won't picket - it'll be more like a light nap in the server room.
• It's been so busy lately that I just want to curl up in the corner and say "Don't hit me no more."
• I might possibly be sucking my thumb at the same time. Haven't decided yet.
• Looking for a costume for Halloween? May I suggest the below?

What is this? Is it a Bacon Mime Clown? Let the nightmares begin!

• Does that ad make you want to use their services?
• Is it funny that EATon's mascot is bacon?

What's the silliest mascot you've seen?

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SPAM Pizza

I get spam. You get spam. We all get spam.

It's always the same thing - "***** enlargement! Click this virus-ridden attachment!"

I get fed up at the lack of creativity. Until this morning.

I fired up my email and saw this:

--

You've just ordered pizza from our site
Pizza Supreme with extras:
- Italian Sausage
- Onions
- Green Peppers
- Pineapple
- No Cheese
- No Sauce
________________________________________
Pizza Super Supreme with extras:
- Pepperoni
- Pineapple
- Jalapenos
- Black Olives
- No Cheese
- No Sauce
________________________________________
Pizza Supreme with extras:
- Bacon Pieces
- Ham
- Diced Tomatoes
- Green Peppers
- Diced Tomatoes
- Easy On Cheese
- Easy On Sauce
________________________________________
Pizza Super Supreme with extras:
- Beef
- Ham
- Green Peppers
- No Cheese
- Easy On Sauce
________________________________________
Drinks
- Sprite x 3
- Cherry Coke x 2
________________________________________Total Charge: 190.23$


If you haven't made the order and it's a fraud case, please follow the link and cancel the order.

CANCEL ORDER NOW!

If you don't do that shortly, the order will be confirmed and delivered to you.


Best regards
ELIA`s Pizzeria
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Spammers hate sauce. This is why spammers need Jesus.


What's the most creative spam you've received?
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Barbecued Tramps

• We visited my cousins this weekend. They have two kids. The oldest is three.
• My cousin asked me to help him put together a tramp(oline) and some patio furniture while I was there. I suspect he saved these projects for this weekend so he could get out of the house.
• Asking me to do handyman tasks is like asking your pet rock to do your calculus homework.
• If you are insane, please do the following:
• Buy your three year old a tramp(oline)
• Spend three hours putting together said tramp(oline)
• Watch your three year old jump on the tramp(oline) for six minutes
• My three year old niece doesn't ask 'Why?' incessently. She asks 'Are you sure?'
• If you're dumb, like me, you'll answer this question.
• Now you have the next 30 minutes to figure out how to stop answering this question.
• My cousin makes some mean barbecued ribs
• They were making fun of me and stole my lunch money.
• I ate them in revenge.

What did you do and/or not do this weekend?
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Unsolicited Advice - Commercial Airplane Pilots

A little housekeeping before we begin - Kevin Haggerty is releasing an e-book today. You should totally buy it, since it's free. It's called An Idiot's Guide to the Galaxy, and before you ask - no, it's not my unauthorized biography. However, I may have taken a few notes. It's short, it's funny, it's free. Good job, Kevin.

--
Today we begin a new series of pointless mental excretions posts, entitled Unsolicited Advice. It's where I give unsolicited advice to people who will never read it.

Go team!

To: Commercial Airplane Pilots
From: Ricky

Subject: Every Little Thing You Do

Howdy!

Congratulations, you've made it! You've spent years dreaming of this. Countless hours practicing. And now, thanks to all your hard work, you get to be a commercial airplane pilot. This means you get to look smugly at other people at parties when they ask what you do.

It also means you have 300 crabby people behind you, a co-pilot who hums the same tune over and over, off-key, and kids at home wondering when Daddy's coming back.

Here's a few tips to help you while you're away:

Please make sure your registration and insurance are current. It'd be awful embarrassing if the po-po pulled you over down for something silly like tailgating and then you didn't have your papers in order.

If you're going to make a detour, can you at least make it somewhere cool? You made me spend an hour and half somewhere in Texas one time, and there was nothing to see or do. I guess it does beat South Dakota, but next time please consider alternatives, like Florida, California, or just going where you told us we were going.

If you don't like those silly uniforms they make you wear, you could change into shorts and flip-flops up there in the cockpit and we'd never know.

Bring your own snacks. There's not much back here.


What unsolicited advice do you have?
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Great Friday

You caused it.



He fixed it.

How To Be a Firefighter

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for my nephew, Joel. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, and when he quit hiding in the kitchen, he responded with 'fireman!'

Saving lives, operating heavy machinery, waking up to the world's loudest alarm clock. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As a Firefighter

• Work out. You've got to be in great physical shape to save lives. You may have to carry an unconscious fat man down six flights of stairs one day, so start your exercise regimen now. Remember: That calendar isn't going to make itself.
• Play with fire. This is forbidden for most kids, but you? You're training. You will eventually put out far more fires than you create in practice. A word of caution - you should have an adult around for added safety / blame shifting. Your dad likes fire, Joel, so ask him. If your mom makes him say no, ask me or Aunt Jana. We're both pyros.
• Practice getting dressed quickly. Emergencies are not time to worry about color coordination. Slap it on and go! You may not have your firefighter's gear yet, but I have an old baseball catcher's getup you can practice with. It's practically the same thing, except not.
• Be calm. I've never seen a frazzled firefighter. You can't be jumpy in this profession. You're only three, but I already don't think this is a problem for you.
• Play poker. While your folks don't condone gambling, you are going to have a ton of downtime. You'll spend days and days on call, just waiting for things to burn. This means TV, card games and firehouse chores. You can come practice the chores part at my house. I hear you're good at washing cars.

What tips do you have for Joel?

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Strange Places to Find Credit Card Applications

They're everywhere, and I'm not talking about Kardashians.

Credit card applications.

You can find them at Target, the gas station and Apple. You don't have to have money to 'buy' things these days - it's all free due to the magic of credit!

We noticed a credit card application printed on the back of our grocery receipt. If you got your credit card by scribbling on a receipt, something's wrong.

What's next? A Charmin two-ply credit card app?

On the flight into Hawaii a couple years ago, they gave a presentation and then sent the flight attendants around TWICE to see if we wanted to get their credit card.

"Why yes, I DID reconsider, and I WOULD like to be in debt!"

Since we were a captive audience, it felt like a sleazy timeshare sales pitch.

My tone in the this post probably leads you to think I'm against credit cards.

Au contraire.

I'm simply against not getting a piece of the action...

...Would you like to sign up for the RickyAnderson.net credit card?

The rates are high and the perks are low, but I'll send you a free t-shirt!

What's the silliest place you've seen a credit card for?

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Letters to Famous People by Tyler Tarver

Tyler did it again.

He wrote a book that nobody cares about, except everybody.

It's called Letters to Famous People.

It's a collection of letters...to famous people...by Tyler Tarver.

You've probably read some of them on his site but I'm told, or made up in my head, that there's new ones in the book. I'm not really sure. I haven't read the copy he sent me yet, but I loved it and it's totally awesome.

Now, I've read some criticism online about Tyler's previous book, Words and Sentences. One of the critiques was that the topics varied widely and there was no focus. Well, this one's different. It's entirely focused...on letters...to famous people...written by Tyler. It's the most focused Tyler's ever been - Hey, look, a squirrel!

Go check it out. I love the Nolan Ryan letter best.
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How to Tip a Belly Dancer

I've never been to a strip club.

Almost.

My wife and I were strolling along the Riverwalk on our honeymoon. There's a ton of restaurants down there, and we were trying to decide what to have for dinner.

A gentleman in a tuxedo stopped us and asked if we'd like to dine in his fine Italian establishment.

"It's small and cozy, just what a honeymooning couple like yourselves is looking for."

We decided to take a chance and accepted his invitation.

There were only about 5 tables in the entire place. It was quiet and the food was delicious. We couldn't have been happier with our choice.

Then the music started, softly at first.

"That's a lot of cowbell for one song", I thought to myself.

My back was to the rest of the room. Jana was facing into the room, and I saw her eyes go wide.

I turned my head to see what started her, and got a facefull of belly dancer. SHE WAS GYRATING RIGHT IN MY STILL CHEWING FACE.

I jumped back in my seat, unsure how to handle this.

Embarrassed, I stared at my plate, the tablecloth and my new bride.

The married man next to me asked his wife for some ones...which she gave him...and he stuffed in the panties of the belly dancer.


We left some ones, too...on the table as we boogied back out onto the Riverwalk.




Tell me about an awkward social situation and how you handled it.
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The Ultimate Movie - Guest Post by Knox McCoy

Today we have a special treat - a guest post by Knox McCoy.

Knox McCoy is Superman. He's a husband. Father of two. He blogs, runs The My Bad Project, and co-created TV Asylum.

He's genuine, hilarious and the secret love child of Tyler Stanton and Jon Acuff.

Take it away, Knox!

[EDIT: Knox didn't really write this. This was part of an elaborate April Fool's Day scheme involving Chad Jones, Amanda Bast, Joseph Craven, Kevin Haggerty, Heather Summers and Rob Shepherd. Check out their parody posts by clicking each of their names above.]

--
I LOVE MOVIES.

I know, right?

There's so many that are classics. Hundreds that are my favorite. Several that fell just short of the mark. I mean, I left The Matrix thinking, "There is no spoon? I thought there would be a variety of spoons. I was told this explicitly."

But there is no perfect movie.

UNTIL NOW.

I have decided to create what has eluded Hollywood for millions of years.

This movie will kick butt and take names. It will make you laugh. It will make you cry. It will make adrenaline squirt out your ears. You'll give it a standing ovation and refuse to leave the theater until they show it again.

It will be called Ultimate Awesome. It's so good, they're already casting the sequel.

Speaking of casting - you can't resist a movie that has Matt Damon, Reese Witherspoon, Sean Connery, Emma Watson, Robert De Niro, Nicole Kidman, Liam Neeson and Morgan Freeman...IN THE OPENING SCENE.

Love on the high seas.

Zip lines. Explosions.

Dramatic betrayal and redemption.

Slapstick. Wordplay.

Belly dancers.

I haven't even written the script yet, but the initial reviews are already in.

"Sweet Alamo, that was fantastic." - Everbody

I promise no Julie Roberts, though. That horse grin scares me.


What part do you want to play in Ultimate Awesome?
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