Failed Opening Lines of the Speech I'm Giving on Sunday, Not That I'm Nervous or Anything Crazy Like That, Ok?

We're dedicating our son at church this weekend.

This means I have to give a speech in front of 2,000,000 people (I think that's how many people will be there - just an estimate).

Gulp.

Like most things in life, it's the getting started part that has me stalled.

Some failed opening lines of my yet-to-be-written speech:

• It was a dark and stormy night
• Call me Ishmael
• Once upon a time
• It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
• Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury
• Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

You can watch it live at 11:15AM MST this Sunday. NOT that you should...

What other failed opening lines can I cross off my list?

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The Elephant In the Room

It's a forbidden topic.

The elephant in the room.

The one thing we must all pretend isn't the way it is.

But today, I'm letting the cat out of the bag.

I'll lose friends and family over this, but it's time to be honest. I can't live this lie anymore.

Women can be messier than men when it comes to restrooms.

There, I said it. Gather your stones, ladies.

I work in a predominately female office. We have shared restrooms. This has opened my eyes in scary new ways.

A dainty little lady will walk out of the restroom. I will walk in. The smoke monster from LOST will hit me in the face.

I walk out. The same dainty little lady will wrinkle her nose and give me a "You're such a disgusting man-beast" look.

But we both know better. I'm just the scapegoat.

So I've learned. I spray the air freshener and clean the seat I didn't pee on just so you ladies won't get snooty with me.

You win.

Tell me I'm wrong. I dare you. Even my wife agrees with me!

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Daddy's Got You - Guest Post For Rob Shepherd

Today I'm guest posting for Rob Shepherd.

Rob is a husband, father of twins, and a pastor. He's striking out on his own to start a church in Virginia.

The beautiful thing about our collective church family is you never really 'strike it out on your own'. I'm one in a long line of bloggers who are filling in for Rob while he figures out how to start a church.

Please pray for Rob and his family as they put everything they've got into reaching people for Christ.

And then go read my guest post...thanks!
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The IT Wars, Round Finale 4.2

Well, he started it.

Chad Jones challenged me to a game of one-upmanship.

What did I get in return for doing his taxes?

That clever little jerk finally got me on Facebook.

That's right - he created a Facebook account under my name. With my picture. And sent friend requests. And had the emails choke my inbox.

Well, Chad...you win. That was clever.

I hereby declare you the champion...

...and the official keeper of my fake Facebook page. Have fun tending my Farmville crops!

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Cheerio From Steve, the British Hard Drive

• I'm not sick. It's just allergies.
• Or maybe another sinus infection.
• If I only ever speak to my son in a British accent, he will grow up thinking he's British.
• I MUST DO THIS.
• Cheerio!
• You should lock your front door.
• One time I didn't, and a guy walked in with a three foot tall speaker and asked if Steve was home.
• So unless your name is Steve and you want to rock your face off, lock your door.

Boss: Can you print this database for me?

Me: *Twitch* No, databases can't be printed.

Boss: Why not?

Me: Probably copyright issues.

Client: Did you get docs on the hard drive I sent you along w/ the hard copies?

Me: No, just the drive.

Client: They're on the drive.

Me:

Did this post seem longer because I formatted it funny? Didn't work in school, either.
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Hank's Fruitless Pajamas

• There's a new user starting today. This person has a complex name. For simplicity's sake, I think we should hire only folks with names that are easy to pronounce and spell, like "Hank".
• Although I don't think this lady would make a good "Hank".
• When someone is grumpy with you and then tells you they're not a morning person...and they're still grumpy in the afternoon...that makes them not an afternoon person...and if they're still grumpy, like all the time...does that make them not a person?
• I'll go ask "Hank", since that's who I'm talking about.
• I've worn the same pair of pajama pants for 7 years. The other night, I discovered they have a back pocket. You know, in case I need my wallet in bed.
• Being a vegan doesn't mean leading a fruitless life.
• An apple a day will make you wonder why you're out of apples so soon.
• Let sleeping babies lie. You can teach 'em honesty when they're older.
• And more awake.

Tell me your favorite pun.

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Beautiful Absurdity

We had a conference call the other day with one of our clients, a large bank. I can't tell you the name of the bank, but I can tell you it's a large Bank in the country Of America.

The call was with their legal department for training on a web site we have to use with them.

The lady running the show told us we had to do a conference call instead of a GoToMeeting presentation because, and I quote, "You guys aren't on our network."

Which is kinda the point of GoToMeeting.

Then she tells us, from memory, about each button to click on and what she 'thought' it did.

Turns out she was driving home and just yapping on her cell phone whilst doing so to cover the fact she wasn't in the office.

We found this out about 15 minutes in when she said, "Hold on, I have to pull over for the fire trucks."

Then we heard sirens for 45 seconds.

This was not just a call with our local office. There were many other firms across the country on the line.

The lady then continues by yapping about submitting certain reports with a new cover sheet. The cover sheet will be required. They will not accept the report without the new cover sheet.

This reminds me of the TPS reports cover sheet scene in the movie Office Space, so I write on my notepad "We are using the new cover sheet on all our TPS reports."

Fast forward a bit, and the lady starts carrying on about them again. My boss, glancing at my notepad, cuts in and says, to everyone across the nation, "Yes, we know about the cover sheets. We're using them on all our TPS reports."

At this point I got up and left.


What's the most absurd thing that's ever happened to you, ever, last week?
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The Art of One-Upmanship - The IT Wars, Round 1

Chad Jones is a fellow IT guy.

You might think that makes us kindred spirits.

You'd be wrong.

While pleasant and civil, we IT folks do have a competitive streak.

Chad challenged me to a game of one-upmanship. He started by launching a campaign to get people to email me asking me to get on Facebook.

That's adorable, Chad. Such a beginner, you are.

I thought I'd take it easy, too.

So I nabbed his IP address from when he visited my site and scanned port 22...open, of course.

After silently gaining control of his system, I deleted all his music. I would have deleted the backups, but like a true IT guy, he didn't have any. We just tell other people to make backups, but we rarely do it ourselves.

I wasn't entirely mean, though.

I filed his taxes for him.

Notice I say 'filed', and not 'paid'.

Hope you like second mortgages, Chad!

ROUND 1 COMPLETE

What else should I do to Chad?

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Groundhog Day, Part VII

Woke up late for work today.

Brought in a pink flamingo for Weird Dude. He gave me some paper towels and a high five. I think we understand each other now.


Logged onto the helpdesk system. No new tickets. I can make headway on some of those projects now!


I plug away all day, making the office a better place.


I head home.


My wife and son are standing on the patio, waving at me as I pull up.


I saved the world and got the girl!
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Groundhog Day, Part VI

Woke up late for work today.

Came in the back way to avoid Weird Dude.


Logged onto the helpdesk system. 20,000 new tickets. Seems the database server is down.


Reboot the database server. Hear cheers from upstairs.


That felt good. Maybe I should try to help some other folks today...
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Groundhog Day, Part V

Woke up late for work today.

Threw a bucket of water at Weird Dude.


Logged onto the helpdesk system. 4000 new tickets.


This is getting old.


Climbed up to the roof.


Wow, it's high up here.


Geronimooooo!
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Groundhog Day, Part IV

Woke up late for work today.

Threw a stapler at Weird Dude sitting behind a random desk in the dark.


Logged onto the helpdesk system. 400 new tickets. Batch > Close.


Surfed blogs and job hunting sites for most of the morning.


Time for lunch!
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Groundhog Day, Part III

Woke up late for work today.

Remembered my badge this time. At least that's an improvement.

Didn't bother moving the computers around. The Boss will change his mind in 15 minutes anyway.

Weird Dude who gave me his old shirts in a grocery bag a few weeks back was sitting behind a random desk in the dark when I came in. I sneaked up behind him and scared the Wheaties outta him.

Logged onto the helpdesk system. 20 new tickets.

Time to get to work...
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Groundhog Day, Part II

Woke up late for work today.

Forgot my badge. Had to stand outside and call someone to come open the door.

Moved some computers around. Sometimes I think The Boss puts all the names in one hat and all the desk assignments in another and shuffles them together to reassign folks.

Weird Dude who gave me his old shirts in a grocery bag a few weeks back was sitting behind a random desk in the dark when I came in. Scared the Wheaties outta me.

This all seems familiar...

Groundhog Day, Part I

Woke up late for work today.

Forgot my badge. Had to stand outside and call someone to come open the door.

Moved some computers around. Sometimes I think The Boss puts all the names in one hat and all the desk assignments in another and shuffles them together to reassign folks.

Weird Dude who gave me his old shirts in a grocery bag a few weeks back was sitting behind a random desk in the dark when I came in. Scared the Wheaties outta me.

I wonder how the rest of the day will go...

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Having Kids vs. Not Having Kids - Guest Post for Jamie Golden

Today I'm guest posting for Jamie Golden. Jamie writes at Jamie's Rabbits. She is responsible for such gems as this.

I've never understood the title of her blog. She makes chasing rabbits sound like an exciting adventure. This is a lie. I chased a friend's rabbit once. I caught it in about 4 seconds. Then it bit me and I cried.

HOWEVER, Jamie is awesome and swears she won't bite but a few of you.

So head on over and check out Jamie's site after you read my guest post. It's called Having Kids vs. Not Having Kids.

Do your kids bite rabbits?

JAMIE IS ALSO RESPONSIBLE FOR 100% OF THE EASTER EGGS AROUND HERE. NATHAN FILLIAN NATHAN FILLIAN NATHAN FILLIAN.