One Paci to Rule Them All

Three Pacies for the Fussy under the mobile,
Seven for the Gassy in their sleep sacks zipped,
Nine for First-Born Son doomed to dribble,
One for the Evan Baby with his diaper ripped,
In the Land of Sleeptime where Babies lie.
One Paci to rule them all, One Paci to quiet him,
One Paci to calm his bawl and in the darkness distract him
In the Land of Sleepytime where Babies lie.

The World Serious

• I've been watching the World Series on and off with my son.
• That means I holler friendly wisdom to the television while he poops himself.
• Both are equally useful to the outcome of the game.
• I don't watch much baseball during the regular season. I saw three games this year, two of which were in person. But when October comes around, I get excited.
• Jana's willing to watch the games with me since I'm not that husband who disappears every weekend for sports.
• Growing up, my dad used to call it the World Serious. I still slip and call it that from time to time.
• I get weird looks.
• Which I'm used to by now.
• I have great memories of watching the World Series with my younger brother growing up. Bed times didn't apply during the World Series, and we took full advantage.
• His favorite team was the Blue Jays, and his favorite player was Joe Carter.
• You should have seen him when the Blue Jays won the World Series and Joe Carter hit a grand slam.

Are you watching the World Series?

Nathan Fillian wuz here.

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Teaching Your Baby To Be Self-Sufficient

I was discussing our child care plans with a coworker the other day.

She asked what we intended to do with Evan when Jana has to go back to work in late November.

"Babies his age don't generally go anywhere, right?", I asked. "We'll just put him in his bouncer and lock the door when we leave. He should be fine."

"You're horrible! What about feeding him?"

"Dang. Hadn't thought of that."

"You could get him one of those beer hats and just put milk bottles in the holders instead of beer cans."

"Brilliant! Or my wife the nurse could hook up a milk IV with a bottle nipple at the end."

"What about changing diapers?"

"Astronauts wear Maximum Absorption Garments...really big diapers. He can too!"

"Phone's for you. Child Protective Services, I think."


What else should I do to teach Evan to be self-sufficient?
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Potpourri Conglomerate Stew, Code 47 Section 12 Part 8 Subcategory 2 Point 1

• I just quit my job.
• What should I do with 300 business cards?
• I'd like to give life advice to strangers. Seems like good high-browed elitist fun.
• That's your cue to email me weird questions. Email me at arthur2sheds @ g mail. com
• Which is code for 'help me write my blog; I'm outta ideas'.
• Apparently when you make your picks in a football pool, it's not a one-and-done sort of thing. You have to make your picks each week.
• Before the games start.
• The crazy thing? I'm still not in last place!
• Tyler Tarver probably hates me since I'm on his team. That's ok; I hate me too. Jerkface!
• What's an odd talent you have that you're secretly really proud of?
• I'd tell you mine, but it's my ability to keep secrets, so I can't tell you.
• Drat.
• How long are you allowed to be with a new organization before you're expected to start being productive?
• Because Evan hasn't done a darn thing on his chore list yet.
• Bum.

In addition to the odd talent question above, what size shoes do you wear?

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My Resignation Letter - Guest Post In Real Life by Scott Moore

As you may have noticed due to the lack of daily posts, things have been a bit hectic lately.

In addition to having our son Evan, I'm in the middle of a job change. I officially accepted a new position last week, and was left the unsavory task of resigning my current position.

As I do with all things that scare me, I outsourced it.

I asked my buddy Scott Moore to write my resignation letter with only a couple hours notice.

As usual, Scott came through big-time. I've only tweaked it a bit for minor details I didn't tell Scott beforehand.

Enjoy!

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Dear {Boss' Name},

Please accept this letter as notification of my de-employment. Resignation, I meant resignation. Whatever the word is that means I'm leaving.

I imagine upon hearing this news that I am leaving you are feeling hurt, deceived, grieved, and so on. Honestly, I don't blame you because I am kind of a big deal. In time you will be fine without me. "Fine" in the sense of Ron Burgundy right after Jack Black punted Baxter off that bridge. Don't worry, you will eventually break out of that glass case of emotion. Just don't break your computers, because I won't be here to fix them.

I do appreciate all the opportunities I have been given while working here, mostly the opportunity to get paid for Googling things.

I'll be around for two more weeks, but keep in mind that I have recently purchased a Harley, a leather jacket, and a sidecar for Evan. We will be hitting the open road soon.

In conclusion, I have not asked for much in my 8 year tenure here, so I would like to make a final request. As I am walking out of the door for the last time, could you please coordinate a companywide slow clap? Fist pump required.

High fives and fist pounds,

Ricky




What quitting stories do you have?
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Elliott Smith - Guest Post by Stanton Martin

Stanton Martin is a funny guy. Probably one of the funniest guys with two last names that I know.

I begged and pleaded with him for a guest post.

So today we get a treat about a guy with two last names written by another guy with two last names.

I'm confused, too.

You're up, Mr. Stanton...

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Poop jokes.

Those are what make me laugh. You can say I have the sense of humor of a seven year old (one seriously overly-exposed seven year old) but I will always laugh every single time someone says, "Yeah, we do do that here." Do-do. Ha!

When Ricky Anderson asked me to write a guest post for his blog, I immediately knew that this was my chance to impress his audience with my own refined sense of humor. Ricky gave me one parameter: my post must make me laugh at least once. Pressure! I rarely find what I write to be “laugh out loud” funny, but he was adamant that if it makes me laugh, then it would be sure to make others laugh. Ricky has obviously never hung out with me, because most of the things I laugh at are not funny to others.

I bounced around several ideas for a post, but none of them were cutting it (the cheese [ha!]) and I even began scripting a video, but I realized my videos never make me laugh. I should probably stop filming those... It wasn't until Friday of last week that I really landed on what I wanted to discuss for today's guest post.

You see, I have this endearing (my friends would use the word ‘annoying’) tendency to get in these moods where anytime someone says something that is also a line from a song, I sing it… This has also evolved into me repurposing lines from songs to take the place of everyday activities—like pooping.

I’ve been known to say things like:
“Excuse me, I’ve got to go evacuate the dance floor." or "I'll meet you guys there, I've just gotta get that boom boom pow real fast."

Real highbrow stuff, huh?

Well, this got me to thinking. What other song titles could be used as a reference for bowel movements? A quick spin through my iPod playlist revealed something. The great singer/songwriter Elliott Smith must have suffered from a serious form of IBS or something. I mean this man wrote a prolific amount of songs with titles that could refer to pooping. Don't take my word for it, check these out:

• A Passing Feeling - Because we all know what it's like to squat only to find we don't have to go.
• Easy Way Out - You've got to try a high fiber diet at least once in your life.
• Bottle Up and Explode - Fast food and long road trips are good for no man. 
• All Cleared Out - For those days when you feel so light you could float away.
• New Disaster - Who hasn't recovered from an upset stomach only to fall right back into it grasp.
• I Better Be Quiet Now - For that awkwardly small apartments dinner party scenario. 
• Little One - But you ate so much!
• Ballad of Big Nothing - Wait, where did it go!?
• New Monkey - Poop!
• 2:45 A.M. - Nothing worse than having to wake up in the middle of the winter night for that!

If that makes me seven, I'm cool with that.

Take a gander at your iPod and see what songs you can find that could be in reference to a BM and leave a comment about it below!
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You're Not Good Enough

Today I'm guest posting over at Chad Jones' hideout.

Chad's the one who wrote this guest post for me a while back.

Head on over and find out why you're not good enough.
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Gunner Bummer

Watched Star Wars last night with my wife and son.

We couldn't help but laugh at how not bummed this pilot looks at the fact that he lost his gunner.

I'm going to start trying to take life's bummers in stride.

Like this guy.

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Fuzzy Brain Potpourri, Sleep Deprivation Mode Edition Episode 4 (A New Hope, Not the CGI Ones)

• Red Rover, Red Rover, send pizza right over!
• But not math. Please don't send math.
• Sat next to a kid on the airplane this weekend. He was chatty, but well-behaved overall. No crying, thankfully.
• He's actually 21, but the older I get, the younger the kids get.
• He wanted career advice. He's in dental school. I told him to brush his teeth.
• RIP, Steve Jobs.

This is how we spent lunch yesterday. Our team had the local park to ourselves.

I'm thinking of investing in products that don't become obsolete overnight like technology does. Like socks. Socks are the future!

I hear the Presidential race is getting started. Politicians running for office more than a year out from the vote is as ridiculous as Christmas music in July...except I like Christmas music in July.

This bullet point is completely superfluous. It contains no information, and no jokes. In fact, because the formatting gets a bit wonky on Blogger when you put a picture in a bulleted list, this isn't technically even a bullet point. But this text definitely helps me take up the vertical space I needed so I can post the question on its own line below. Lorem ipsum!

What's going on in your world? Tell me two weird things that happened to you this week - one true and one false. I'll see who I can catch fibbing and which of you I won't ever play poker with.

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How To Be a Celebrity Chef

I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a celebrity chef.

Creating delectable delights, starring in your own cable TV show, always being expected to cook Thanksgiving dinner. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Celebrity Chef

• Mix it up. Start getting creative with your ingredients now. When you help Mom prepare dinner tonight, don't just follow that boring recipe - mix it up! Recipe calls for light seasoning on the meat? Try butter! Cake calls for a touch of frosting? Try butter! Homemade salsa is good, but lacks a little something? Try butter!
• Try butter. Seriously, butter makes everything better. Run out of creamer for that specialty coffee? Toss in a stick of butter!
• Work on your presentation. You can make the best burger in the world, but if your presentation is sloppy, nobody will want it....unless you garnish the plate with sticks of butter!
• Perfect your pizza. This is a necessity...if I'm coming over for dinner.
• Only make awesome food. You're a celebrity chef. You don't have to make grits or fried okra. You can afford to say no to foods you don't like. So don't eat your greens, but do eat your desert before your meal.

What tips do you have for the kids?

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The Kind of Dad I Want To Be

My dad came to every one of my little league baseball games.

My dad is the reason I'm a Christian. He didn't beat me over the head with his theology. He quietly demonstrated his faith, every day.

My dad was always there for me when I needed help or advice. Still is.

My dad has a great sense of humor.

My dad loves my mom in thought, word and deed. Always has, always will.

My dad is patient.

My dad is generous.

My dad is kind.

I want to be this kind of Dad for my son, Evan. So many men grow up without strong and supportive dads. This generation has been called "The fatherless generation".

Not for Evan.

Click here to support the efforts of The Mentoring Project, a wonderful organization doing something to stop the fatherless generation.

What did your dad do to make an impact on your life?


If you're part of the fatherless generation, what was missing from your childhood that a mentor or father figure could have provided?


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