How To Be a Spy


I think most kids grow up to work dead-end jobs simply because they didn't know how to get to their dream ones.

So this one's for the kids. Every kid has dreamed at one point in their lives of being a spy.

Intrigue, suavity, poison in your scotch. What's not to like?

Things You Can Do Now To Prepare For Your Future As A Spy
  • Listen. You learn more by listening than by talking. Plus, talking too much to the wrong folks can get you killed.
  • Tiptoe. Spies can't be going around making all kinds of noise and attracting attention. It's a health hazard.
  • Target practice. You're probably going to need to be good with weapons. It's what I heard.
  • Be resourceful. Your handler's not going to just hand you a packet of cyanide or a plain old digital camera and tell you to get going. It'll be disguised as hair gel or an odd hat. Learn to think outside the box.
    • Watching MacGyver should help a bit.
      • MacGyver's real name is Richard Anderson. My real name is Richard Anderson. Coincidence? I think not.
  • Gain the confidence of others. Be reliable. Do your chores when you're asked. Be respectful. Your folks will think you're a wonderful child. They'll never suspect you're selling their secrets to the Russians.
What tips do you have for the kids?
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Comments (14)

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Suavity? Well, I guess a language is defined by its usage, and you really usaged this word hard. As for tips for the kids in the realm of spy-type advice, I learned all that I know from Mad comics of Spy vs. Spy. It seems that both the black and white guy tend to walk around with bombs the size of basketballs, so likely finding an approved distributor is relevant.
1 reply · active 714 weeks ago
I didn't know it was a word either until spell check didn't throw an error.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/suavity

I'm putting you in charge of finding a distributor with the best prices.

And since it's for the kids, pick whichever basketball bomb is the safest.
Practice makes perfect. Start off by spying on your siblings, friends, teachers and neighbors. Before you know it, you will be ready to try your hand at some light treason. From there, the sky is the limit!
1 reply · active 714 weeks ago
"Light treason" left some light coffee spilled on my desk!
Wait, so you had a mullet in the 80's too? I learn something new every day. Now for the mind bleach!

Spy tip: Languages. Learn 'em, use 'em. Pig Latin, esperanto, portugreek, 'cause you just never know.
1 reply · active 713 weeks ago
Excellent tip.

I'm gonna start my kid listening to Rosetta Stone CDs ten minutes after birth.
So the J stands for Dean?

I thought it was short for Arthur2Sheds.
1 reply · active 713 weeks ago
Funny thing is that I've never seen the show.
Practice your Sean Connory voice. That's always very spy-like.
1 reply · active 713 weeks ago
Ekshellent advishe!
Cool theme music also helps.
1 reply · active 712 weeks ago
That's a necessity!

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